[Heather's REPLY]:

Yes, there’s some truth to what you say. There’s also truth in that often people don’t take a pretty woman (or even a very “pretty” guy) seriously. It seems like in the entertainment industry, looks are a huge plus (for both genders, unless it’s someone who makes a living as a character actor) but in the business world, average looks, or moderate good looks, are sometimes a benefit.

In the end, no matter what we do, we’ll all be judged positively or negatively on our appearances, including Donald Trump (you must have heard comments about that hair!) No, it’s not fair. And they may be mostly fiction, but the music industry is full of that stereotypical story of an average-looking incredible singer laying down the tracks, and a beautiful but tone-deaf singer being the face of the words, lip-syncing their way to ultimate disaster (Milli Vanilli, the movie Singing in the Rain, and several other forgettable movies I’ve seen).

However, my post wasn’t about stereotypes and biases (which would be about making excuses to fail)… it was about forging through roadblocks, and refusing to accept the stories others assign to us (which is about finding ways to win).

Yes, it can be hard. And Susan probably blurted out the first thing that came to mind. BUT… it was at the core of what she thought, and that type of thinking conditions us to become victims, which almost always brings more suffering. The lesson is not to view ourselves that way… Susan could have bypassed years of frustration with a slightly different attitude, as we all can.

[Heather's REPLY]:

That’s a nice way of looking at it, and it worked out the best in the end. For instance, her record sales would probably not have been as good if she hadn’t gone through this whole underdog journey in front of the world, and her self-esteem wouldn’t have grown so much.

However, too many people sadly “wait” for “karma” to reward them and end up disappointed. If someone has a talent or a gift (and we all do) I think they owe it to the Universe to share it.

http://www.tvguide.com/special/susan-boyle/

[Heather's REPLY]:

Well, meeeowww! Sharpen your claws!

If singing was truly her dream — and her mother was truly the most important thing — then her mother’s wishes for her to follow her dream would be of the utmost importance.

Besides, her answer as to why she hadn’t pursued a singing career wasn’t, “I was taking care of my mother, which was dearly important to me,” it was, “Well, nobody ever gave me a chance before.”

HUGE difference… the former would have meant that singing was secondary, and was now a new focus. That’s coming from a position of strength.

The latter puts the strength into the hands of “other people”… it’s a position of weakness and victimitis.

BTW, whoever said anything about Julie Andrews? She’s another one who has always depicted herself as an “average” type, especially in the roles she played, so it’s a strange example to pick. But if Susan had looked like Cindy Crawford, she wouldn’t have had the same people rooting for her. Otherwise, those people wouldn’t have gotten upset over her makeover.

I just think you are one hot babe.

[Heather's REPLY]:

Sandra, it’s not about judging, it’s about pointing out limiting patterns to help others achieve the most they can.

“Divine timing” it may be, but that only happens in conjunction with what we DO. The world, and we as people, are neither entirely spiritual, nor entirely physical, so everything happens in a balance of the two.

People may often try as much as Susan did and keep failing… HOWEVER, other people — for instance, Donald Trump — try a lot harder when they want something, and when they fail, they immediately turn it around into another success.

It’s a different mindset, and that will greatly affect your ability to accomplish anything.

There’s nothing wrong with waiting if you want to wait… but then you can’t use the excuse that “nobody ever gave me a chance.”

Think what you will about him, but those words would NEVER come out of The Donald’s mouth… and he knows how to make things happen and get results (just one example off the top of my head).

That slight shift in thinking can make all the difference in the world to someone as talented as Susan.

[Heather's REPLY]: I’m not a fan of O’Reilly, and I’m nothing like him, soo….

Heather,
I agree with the first and last part of your article and believe you hit the nail on the head when talking about why people want to keep Susan “frumpy” so she is more down to their level. You also did a good job of pointing out that it is our stupid insecurities that want to keep people in that state and that as a society we need to change this. However, the middle of your article is what I—and it seems like everyone else that has commented on this page—have a problem with.

What’s funny is that you could have made the points you claim were your main points without sliding down into what is the middle of your article.

As my grandfather would say, “Boyaah… Just ‘cuze the feeder’s on the other side of the pin don’t mean you got to walk through the wallow to get there.”
But you chose to go make that detour and therefore showed us a severe lack of humility on your part. This then rightly, brought the wrath of your readership down upon you.

[Heather's REPLY]: Actually, the commenters aren’t my “readership” — these seem to be mostly people searching for articles on Susan Boyle. In other words, they’re Susan Fans, and that’s why they get upset. My regular readers know that pointing out limiting patterns people have fallen into, and how they can be avoided and overcome, is what I and my husband do… because of that, very few of our regulars have commented here.

Your article went wallow diving the moment you started berating Susan for her perceived “[lack of] drive and ambition” Instead of celebrating her success after so many years of hardship you too decided to try to drag her down beneath you because of her past weakness—as opposed to your apparent ability to conquer your own weakness so much sooner—and you continued to do so all throughout the rest of the article. This is a bit worse that the general public wanting to hold her at their level by keeping her “frumpy.” You managed to attack her, and everyone else that is not on top of life, enough that the only redeeming value the middle of your article has—a possibly motivational message to not “sit around waiting for somebody to come along and give [you] a chance…[but to] go out and take that chance”—was soon buried in the filth.

[Heather's REPLY]: Actually, I celebrated her success AND said that if it had “always been her dream,” as she claimed — and if she’s going to take the stance that “nobody gave me a chance before” — then something’s got to change. The only way to achieve a dream is to take it, not wait for it to be handed to you.

Instead you choose to focus on ideas that have been perverting the self-help new-age community for a long time and your audience knows this and pointed them out to you. First, is the idea that people are completely responsible for all the good or bad that happens to them. If this were the case then no baby would be born severely handicapped especially not with the knowledge that they are handicap.

[Heather's REPLY]: Absolutely not, I’ve never made the assertion that we’re responsible for everything that happens in our lives. Check my post here for more on that:
http://www.lwlworldwide.com/blog/are-you-a-responsibility-addict/

I do not discount the positive benefits of acknowledging the behaviors one has that are detrimental to them or the idea that one must try to make the best out of the cards that are dealt to them. I will even go with the idea that positive thoughts and actions help make one’s life better and may possibly even attract things to them. However, the fact is that crap happens and blaming yourself for things that happen to you out of your control is not helpful and only places blame where it does not belong, keeping the person down even more.

[Heather's REPLY]: I’m also not a positive-thinking advocate. But I DO believe fully that if you’re going to act or talk like a victim, i.e. “Nobody gives me a chance,” or “It’s too hard,” then that’s exactly what you’re going to get. As for the “blame” part, read the above link I gave you. Some things are beyond our control, and some are not (for instance, our personal achievements are mostly not).

The second myth is that only one’s self matters or that self-confidence comes from within and does not depend on anything or anyone else. This could not be farther form the truth. Yes, there is a certain amount of inner strength but psychologists will point out that people need other people to build that inner strength as well as strong support systems needed to maintain a healthy life and help them through stressful times.

[Heather's REPLY]: Again, you’re arguing something that I never said. But I will say that we can certainly change or improve how we deal and communicate with those other people.

Personally, I have lived in the wilderness off the land for a total of 6 months and among many other things I have learned that there is NO SUCH THING as a self-made person. We depend on others for our food, water and shelter as well as our emotional health to deny this is to be incredibly disrespectful to the people, plants, animals and systems that enabled you to get to where you are today.

[Heather's REPLY]: Who denied it? However, “depend on” is pretty strong. We work in conjunction with others; it’s a symbiotic relationship (we rely on each other), not a one-way dependence.

The only things that these two myths are good for is that is gives people—especially those on top—the belief that they are in no way responsible for, and thus completely immune to, the hardships that befall others. It gives them a convent excuse for not helping, feeling no sympathy or empathy, and allows them to believe that these things will not befall on them because they are better in some way—whether that means morally, physically, spirituality, intellectually, genetically, etc… they are all same, pick your deception.

[Heather's REPLY]: Do you think one record producer who turned Susan down should feel “responsible” for her not achieving her dreams? What about the next? The world is FULL of success stories of people who were told “no” repeatedly but continued on because they believed in the power of their vision, and those are the people who can truly say they went after their dream.

On a final note regarding you comment to Mr. Posner. Although we most certainly are equal in the fact that we are spiritual, human, and all deserve the same rights and treatment we are certainly not equal in the amount of benefits we have been blessed with. Yes, everyone has struggles but to say that everyone struggles equally is to be blind to the world. I guess it is easier to see in the extremes of the wild because those born with fewer blessings die quickly while with humans it is often slow, painful and hidden from view.

[Heather's REPLY]: Sometimes it’s blessings, sometimes it’s tenacity. Sure, an animal with a broken leg won’t last long in the wild. But a runt with a fighting attitude certainly can!

Yes, society needs to allow Susan to blossom the way see wants to without feeling that she is leaving us behind. Yes, there is a lot to be said about going forth and getting your goal. But It is not yours or anyone else’s to decide Susan’s value to creation before or after her transformation and you have no business berating anyone for their trials which you do not understand especially because you did not live with them. Having said that…
Have a nice day.

[Heather's REPLY]: There was no berating, just lessons to learn. And the whole point comes down to whether you want to think like a victim, or go ahead and take control where you can. Susan could have done more, IF she had wanted to… and I’m not saying she should or shouldn’t have wanted to. But if she DID want to, then she dropped the ball a few times, and therefore can’t just say, “Nobody gave me a chance.” If she DIDN’T want to, then… well, it’s not accurate to say “it’s always been my dream.” Ya gotta make up your mind if you’re going to achieve anything, because you can’t just operate by sending out mixed signals… like, for instance, ending your critique with “Have a nice day.”

P.S. There has never been any such thing as too pretty to be taken seriously. It just depends on how you present the beauty (elegantly, trashy, innocent, or ditsy/flirty) after the initial attraction factor has passed. Being ugly or deformed is a MUCH different story and brings a sense of initial repulsion that being pretty never has associated with it. There is no comparison between the two.

[Heather's REPLY]: Susan is far from ugly or deformed. She just chose to present herself in a frumpy way until she saw herself on TV, and decided she should spruce up her image. But in hindsight, she’s probably glad she did go with the original look, because it got her a lot of notoriety and fans… hence this article.

[Heather's REPLY]:

Actually, Kathy, it is you who are “so wrong”… not about Susan, but about me and my article. It seems like you didn’t read it, but just skimmed it here and there, and assumed what the rest would be about. Like some of the other commenters, it comes across like you let your emotions lead your reaction.

Yes, I agree that she was held back by low self-esteem and fear — and I already said as much. The criticism was towards producers who played up on that, and the average Joe and Jane who are still trying to keep Susan down when she’s finally ready to shine — like I said, they were up in arms because she got a makeover.

I never said it was “too late” for anything; I said that acting like a victim, and choosing to stay stuck in a rut, will guarantee that someone doesn’t get anything they say they want, whether they “have a dream” or not. We make our own dreams come true.

You say “She did it when she was ready to do it. She has had a hard time with success. Not everybody loves to be the center of attention. They’re happy to get noticed but they don’t need to be on center stage all the time.”

But whooooah, Nelly! If that was the case, then why did she say it’s been her dream for years, but nobody gave her a chance before? That’s victimitis-thinking: that the world “owes you” something when you’re not willing to give value to others first.

“Dreaming” and yet refusing to take steps to make that dream happen is one of the biggest problems in this world. It causes people to complain about what they haven’t gotten out of life, and it causes people to jump at others who point that out… which is what you’ve done to me.

I made enough points in this article already to support what I’m saying here, and I even wrote several times what the “classic” or “standard” responses from people might be… which happen to be pretty close to what you’ve said above. So I don’t need to repeat all that; I’m just asking you to read the article next time, and absorb the spirit of what’s being said, before you comment.

The bottom line is:

1. If you’ve got a huge dream and you’re willing to stand in front of millions of people and say so, then be willing to go after that dream instead of feeling sorry that it never came true. Otherwise it just makes no sense to declare it.

2. When you see someone finally going after their dream after many false starts, don’t condemn her for wanting to put her best foot forward, or try to keep her down, which is what the general public did when Susan got her makeover.

Heather